unedited, written in the heat of the moment more or less

Determination versus Depression.

Sometimes my personal determination is the only thing that gets me out of bed, gets me to eat, to shower, to just go down stairs to my living room where I can sit with the blinds closed staring at a screen. Sometimes I don’t want to do anything but stare out the window at the cloud filled sky, sometimes I can’t bare to even carry my laptop, sometimes I can’t bare to talk even to old friends, sometimes its just easier to hit off on my alarm and pull the covers over my head. Determination to go down stairs, to eat, to work; determination to not feel like my soul has been crushed, to not feel like I’m drowning while I walk amongst my friends and peers, to not feel lost in a fog of sadness. My determination keeps me walking when I just want to collapse and never stand again.

Depression is a dirty word, it gives people the wrong information. Depression isn’t a veil of perpetual sadness, its more like the idea of happiness is taken from me. Its like all the questions I can ponder in peace one day drives me into the deepest depths of reality that I can no longer see a reason to smile. Depression is an intense sadness; sadness for what is happening, what we will loose, what we’ve done, what we will do, the reality that I am living a mediocre life, that I’m screaming into a void full of entertainment, information, lies, slander, evil intent, good intent, and opinions. My depression is the feeling that I am screaming and no one hears me, that I am trying and no one sees it, that I will never live up to my self-imposed goals.

My depression cripples me but my determination to carry on picks me up. I don’t take medication, I don’t talk about it, I don’t share how I feel, I take what I feel- the sadness, the anger, the pain, the hopelessness- and I use it to fuel my determination. My depression is not a sickness, it is not a weakness, it is a strength, it clears my head of delusions, it shows me the real world and I pick myself up by my boot straps and carry on. My depression is not my friend’s depression, is not your depression; my depression is my own, you will never see my depression the way I do just as I will never see yours the way you see it.

Depression is a dirty word, is a terrible word. Used to describe how kids feel when it rains on their birthday and to describe how someone felt before they killed themselves; how can one word be used to describe two things that are so very different. Depression cripples people while rain on a birthday makes children feel sad. Two different ideas, one word.

My depression is the lifting of a delusion, the showing of reality but my determination makes me walk on; I allow myself to feel my depression for a day or a week but at some point I tell myself “enough is enough, you felt it now it is time to stand tall” and I stand up regardless of the protest my mind and emotions give and I start off slow. Going down stairs with my laptop, coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and it soon snowballs into writing, gaming, playing with my dog, texting friends, hanging out with people I haven’t seen in a while.

My depression is not your depression, my solution is not your solution; my determination is a gift from my parents, taught to me through the years watching them work, watching them stay late, watching them carry the weight of the world. My determination is the greatest gift they can give me, because it means that no matter how hopeless I feel I will still stand up and walk on. Depression is a terrible word, but I refuse to let it win. I walk with determination to stand tall even if I sometimes stumble I will rise up again.

Sorry for the lack of posts, I stumbled but now I’m standing again. If you feel depressed or suicidal please contact a professional, a close friend, a crisis hotline, just someone who will be able to help you or get you the help you need. Depression is not weakness, you are not weak for asking for help. Asking for help is asking to share the burden you are carrying, asking for help makes you strong, asking for help is setting aside your pride and your fear, asking for help is a powerful move against a foe that is hard to fight.